Bike Ride Bonfire and Beer Exchangapalooza Best Beer Presentation Scoring Rubric

Following rubric covers six scoring categories. Actual examples of an high scoring entries are included to assist calibration.

1. Workmanship score depends on tidiness, solid construction, the proper working of mechanical parts, and attention to detail. 5 POINTS.
   2010 DBDC Porta Potty Beer Cooler 
2. Interactivity and Special Effects score deals with display elements that add to the total effect. Motion, sound, interactivity, and high powered lasers are examples of special effects. 10 POINTS
   2015 Beer Exchangapalooza Roulette Wheel
3. Offensiveness is the extent to which the presentation violates the sensibilities of participants (no small feat with this crowd). Displays that are lacking cultural sensitivity, refinement, or general intelligence usually score high in this category. 20 POINTS
   2009 Naked Blowup Doll Beer Dispenser
4. Thematic Strength – Extent to which the display captures the essence of mountain biking, large bonfires, excessive beer drinking, or is dismissive of road bikers. 20 POINTS
   2011 Real Used Porcelain-Toilet Beer Cooler
5. Flammability – Proportion of the display that is reduced to fine ash by the bonfire. Any components that are not completely incinerated result in large deductions in this category. 25 POINTS
   2007 Longaberger Basket (the original beer presentation)
6. General Effect represents intangibles not adequately captured by other scores. This score is strongly influenced by crowd appeal. 20 POINTS
   2015 Baby Carriage Launched into the Fire

We're not a judgy group but we do take our Beer Exchangapaloozas seriously so I suggest you not half ass this in 2016.

Chris

"Go big or go home"

     -- Johnny Tsunami

Who Will Be Last?

Mountain biking has given me much over the last decade. The freedom of two wheels rolling effortlessly down a dirt ribbon in the woods. Visits to breath taking destinations only a lucky few get to experience. Exhaustion or encouragement or a belly laugh when I need it and friends I never would have met except for biking. Biking is more than a distraction for me, it is a meaningful part of my life. And every now and then it all comes together in a hum-dinger of a memory like it did on Sunday.

It started with an afternoon milk-run tour of the west side, our train of 19 riders careening down the old Struble and then singletracking up to the quarry and eventually to the ruins for some hydration and a spontaneous round of "fatty smashing." The crowd was getting rowdy after a kinger and a double-stack round, but they went off their rockers when RI pulled off the never-before-attempted-in-competition rear wheel fatty smash. The crowd was howling but temperatures were dropping and we were out of beer so we decided to work our way back to camp and the food and the main event.

The food. Where to start? How about pulled pork with smoked jalapenos, braised short ribs and goat (would be cooked in a cast iron dutch oven in the bonfire), Italian sausage and peppers, and venison tenderloin reindeer chili. Fried chicken, Christmas cookies, and Dunkin donuts. Two tables, under the stars, piled high with food and no vegetables in sight. Mountain biker heaven.

With half a chord of wood and 7 wooden pallets to burn, the fire would be impressive as well and the pallets would present an interesting opportunity to host our first and probably not the last annual [mothers continue reading at your own peril] fire ride. Pallets expertly arranged over the fire - up, over, and down. We knew it would ride but the question that had not yet been answered was..."who would be the LAST to ride the fire?" Would the last ride be a case of good judgement or something else less good? There was only one way to find out so we lit it up and commenced to encourage (wasn't hard) a few brave souls to surrender to the fire ride. And ride it they did and I am happy to say the last person to ride the fire survived with nothing more than a couple singed eyebrows and can now bathe in the glory of that ride for many years to come (and can thankfully check "fire riding" off on the bucket list).

A Real Wangtangler
(a.k.a a valuable lesson?)

As if that were not enough, the fire ride would still teach us a valuable lesson about the butterfly effect - in this particular case a bent derailleur hanger that nearly sent MR to the Brandywine burn unit. Earlier in the week an attempt to realign a hanger on MR's fat bike highlighted a drive train issue that required a chain ring change which resulted in a broken crank bolt which meant that MR would be riding a bike with 2.2" tires this evening instead of his fatbike. So what? Fast forward to the bonfire. The first fire riding pallet was nearly burned through so another pallet was unceremoniously thrown on top. This not only fanned the flames of the riders and audience, but it also left an awkward step up from the entrance ramp onto the (now burning) pallet so again demonstrating good judgement we turned the entrance ramp lengthwise to improve the entrance angle and solve the step problem. However this created a new problem with the 2" gap between boards running lengthwise (in the direction of travel). So instead of guiding the front tire onto the platform it could conceivably grab the front wheel and propel and rider over the handlebars onto the burning pallet. Our rightful conclusion was that from that point forward only fat bikes with 4" or wider tires should be riding the fire. Now if you've been paying attention you know that MR who is accustomed to riding a fat bike was now riding a bike with 2.2" tires. Yes it was a close one (a.k.a. "A Wangtanger") and we may have learned a valuable lesson but only time will tell. [mothers may safely continue reading] 

Proud parents

The tradition of beer presentations heated up with the fire with over a half dozen entries. The creativity, the craftsmanship, and the passion for such an ephemeral moment was inspiring. The energy in the crowd as each artist sacrificed their personal creation. The blaze of glory as each creation was turned into pure heat and light. One catharsis after another, experienced as one by creator and the crowd:

• BP's rocket - 8 feet tall, all cardboard and plywood, and capped off with some sort of firework. It was the first to burn and for a few seconds the flames were probably licking 30' high. It was so intense we couldn't even tell if the fireworks went off. 
• KP and GP's baby - The defining presentation started with "we have an announcement to make." I turned to see KP tenderly lifting an infant from a baby carriage and cradling it. Juxtaposed with the raging campfire and the near carnage that had preceded (the fire riding), the image was beyond disturbing. Of course it was not a real baby (it was a large beer bottle with hot-glued baby legs and head) but the whole scene looked real enough to raise the hair on the back of my neck. Then a frenzied GP raced that baby stroller up the exit ramp, full tilt. The carriage flew into the air and followed the most wonderfully graceful arc, landing in the fire a little off kilter and was immediately engulfed in flames. Seconds later it was completely gone. No trace. It could have been a dream, as if the carriage had never existed. Epic.
• But the twisted takes on "best beer presentation" just kept on coming. For example JK's colorful shewee beer mug and SB's meat baby (long story there). There was MR's Christmas wine and beer rack and the JP's Mr and Mrs Claus throw-pillow-six-pack-protectors (Mrs Claus survived but, well, Santa not so much). 
• We had great fun spinning the Beer Exchange Roulette wheel and I was flattered when some in the crowd began chanting "save the wheel" (there were suggestions of keeping it for '16 or hanging it at The Tree). I let the flattery go to my head for a few moments as I entertained the thought of spinning that wheel at The Tree but thankfully the right side of my brain kicked in and I rightfully consigned the wheel to the fire to be consumed like the many worthy presentations that came before it. It was glorious.

It's was pretty clear that the "best beer presentation" had transcended the concept of winning. This was performance art at it's best and the mantra "must burn to win" was shortened to it's cathartic essence "must burn" and everybody won.

This was an evening for the scrapbook and I just want to thank so many people for bringing their A-game to this ridiculous event.

Chris

"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." 
     -- David St. Hubbins (This is Spinal Tap)

10th Annual Bike Bonfire and Beer Exchange Fun Quiz

Bank some sleep and start hydrating because it's just just ten days until the Tenth Annual Bike Ride Bonfire and Beer Exchange. Below is the official Bike Ride Bonfire and Beer Exchange Fun Quiz but first let's get some business matters out of the way:

• Since it's on a weekend, instead of pacing around all day waiting for nightfall we're going to get things rolling mid-afternoon on Sunday the 20th. This way we can provision and set up the camp kitchen in the light of day. If we then saddle up around 3:00pm we can ride a gentleman's pace tour of Marsh Creek with an obligatory stop at The Beer Tree and additional stops for "shots of courage" before returning to camp in the dark to ignite the kerosene soaked pyre. So get your family stuff out of the way Sunday morning because the afternoon is shot.
• Everyone should bring something for the group to eat. Since this is sort of the "anti" Christmas party we don't want to overdo the planning end of this, but would be helpful if everyone responded with what they plan to bring so we don't wind up with 8 dozen donuts and a bag of pork rinds. I'll be cooking up a pot of chili (the reindeer kind if I can find some elk locally). It would be great if a couple more people could sign up for something hearty like brats, burgers, whatever and the rest can bring snacks.
• Beer presentation is important. You don't have to share your beer ("exchange" is just cover for use with the spouse) but it should be presented in a manner befitting this event. In past years, beer presentations that were interactive or offensive fared best. But remember the presentation (not the beer) must burn to be eligible to win so don't use a finely crafted family heirloom like Riley did in '08. 
• Come prepared for the long haul. Bring a change of clothes if you don't like sitting outside in the winter for hours at night in schweaty biking gear. Camp chair also a good idea. Beer obviously, but cooler optional unless you're trying to keep beer from freezing. Food. Sense of humor and lack of good judgement come in handy. 
• We could really use about 3 or 4 wooden pallets. You know.
• Oh and clear the deck for Monday.

Enough business, now on to the Fun Quiz...

The official cookie of the 2015 Kingdom Trails bike trip was:
A) A death cookie
B) A snicker doodle
C) A gluten free fig bar
D) Under the refrigerator

Fat bikes are:
A) Dumb (F.A.D.)
B) Stupid (F.A.S.)
C) Sometimes Temperamental (F.A.S.T.)
D) Really Tremendous (F.A.R.T.)

What local trend is BD responsible for starting:

A) Grilling "meat babies"

B) Growing scraggly beards
C) Drinking from a jelly jar
D) Dividing by zero

At Kingdom Trails AD hit:
A) Dirty Penny's boyfriend in the nose
B) A piece of pine paneling with his foot
C) 38 miles per hour on Sidewinder
D) On MV's wife

Money can't buy happiness but it can buy:
A) Bikes
B) Beer
C) A corrupt politician
D) A $330,000 burger

True or False ... MR is retired from fire jumping:
A) False
B) False

We don't have chairs at The Beer Tree because:
A) We couldn't get the Barcalounger up Sucker-Punch Hill
B) Chairs are for roadies
C) There is no more room due to the bike rack
D) If we sat down we would never get back up

The Beer Tree at Cranston Gap is:

A) On the east side of the lake
B) The place to be on at 5:30 on Fridays
C) A place on FaceBook
D) A magical land of unicorns where beer grows on trees 

At Kingdom Trails 2015 we spent too many hours watching:
A) Homey D. clown sketches
B) Irish sailing reports
C) Mexican weather reports
D) KT fall asleep sitting up

The "Rock Zone" is:
A) Uninhabited
B) Uninhibited
C) Underappreciated
D) Underwear

Never trust the following:
A) A happy song
B) A bearded man with a snicker doodle
C) A fart after 8 miles

D) The Tour Duh planning committee to actually make something happen

Bring your answers to the bonfire, The winner can be first in line for the fire jumping contest (always a crowd favorite).

Later,

Chris

(Almost) a Decade of Stupidity

I just confirmed it: this year will be the tenth annual Bike, Bonfire, and Beer Exchange (I know this because I used all my fingers to count it out).

It started in '06 as a badly needed alternative to the put-on-a-tacky-sweater-drink-red-wine-and-exchange-cookies-while-listening-to-bad-Chrismas-music neighborhood holiday party. Our ingenious alternative is the exact opposite and follows a stunningly simple recipe: bikes, a bonfire, and beer.

Each year has brought surprises, like in 2007 when SF partied in shorts and flip flops, 2008 when DC drove DN's lawn tractor into the firepit, 2009's blowup doll and 14" snowfall, 2011's drinking beer from a used porcelain toilet, the ice storm of 2013, and "The Finger of God" which was visited upon us in 2014. I can't wait to see what 2015 will bring.

This year's event will be somewhere in or around the Lyndenwood Community. We'll have a ridiculous fire pit, a shitload of firewood, access via bike to the Marsh Creek trails, and an ample buffer zone between us and the nearest neighbor. We'll work on deets like menu (expect a repeat of last year's reindeer chili) and exact time, but right now we need to get the date nailed so you can advise the wife, husband, children that you will be busy that night and that they should not expect much from you the next morning either...

Click the link in my email (or in the Facebook group) to indicate which days work for you (Yes means good, (Yes) means could work in a pinch, and No means it doesn't work). Weekends and weekdays are in play.

I took half an hour to craft this email, you can complete the survey in only 30 seconds which is a small price to make your voice heard for one of the stupidest greatest biking events of the year.

Chris

P.S. Click this link if you want to bone up on 9 years of history of this iconic event.

Licking Windows

"We're licking windows now."  It was an apt observation. At 2:00 am the discourse had deteriorated to something akin to a bunch of 12 year olds in the back of the school bus at the end of a very long ride.

About seven hours earlier we kicked off festivities with the traditional mountain bike ride. This ride is never too ambitious but it's always fun because we know what's coming next. The ride is how we legitimatize what happens afterwards (the window licking part). This years ride was notable for the number of  fatties (five) and our penchant for driving headlong into every mud pit we could find on the west side trails.

Some kiln dried lumber and a couple gallons of kerosene ensured that the bonfire got rolling without a hitch once we tossed the match after the ride. We had a minor violation since Rob, as only the second person in history to clear the Trail of Broken Collarbones uphill on a mountain bike, was supposed to do the honors but was otherwise indisposed. We'll somehow rectify this next year at the Tenth Annual which is sure to be a doozie.

The post-ride alfresco menu featured reindeer chili topped with shredded cheddar cheese and sour cream, cornbread, homemade mexican guacamole-sour-cream-cheese-bean dip, bags of cider donuts, a huge pile of christmas cookies, chips, and assorted other high-calorie snacks enjoyed by mountain bikers.

Well fed, amply watered, and energized by the ride, nine of us settled in for a long night of shenanigans and belly laughing around the bonfire. Shenanigans included one fire jump (it's not a bonfire without one of those) and belly laughing included Löwenbräu lyrics and some now immortal bonfire memes and quotes including:

• "The Finger of God." I won't attempt to explain it here and Google won't help so don't bother.
• "It's the end of the the world and I was facing the wrong way." It looked like it was, and clearly one of us was. Yeah, I guess you had to be there.
• The window licking reference which I think has some legs with this group.

We finally threw in the towel not because we'd run out of material but because it was almost 3:00 am and apparently you have to draw a line somewhere.

Chris

"Here's to good friends, last night was kinda special."
     -- The Löwenbräu guy

Just Around the Corner

Quick update on the bike bonfire beer thing, which is just around the corner:

• Elk & bison meat chili has been re-dubbed "reindeer chili" by my disapproving daughter. No need for me to bring any home, she won't be trying it.
• It will be mild (low 29 degrees) so consider flip flops for apres-ride attire. Also Kirk has kindly offered the use of his hot tub to "take it up a notch" so bring your bathing suit too (no birthday suits please). Seriously, bring it.
• Kirk and I will be setting up the bonfire tomorrow mid-day (felling trees, lashing the pyre together with bailing wire, dousing with gallons of kerosene, setting up a fire jumping skills course, etc.) so if you want to join that fun let me know and we'll keep you posted on time. 



This guy provided the chili recipe. I figured if he could make 
a bunch of squirrels edible then he could probably do 
wonders with some reindeer meat.

• Park at my place or in the cul de sac, then hump your stuff behind Kirk's (walk to left of his house) and down the trail to the bonfire site by the creek. Plan on a couple trips to get all your stuff (bike, cooler, chair, food, gear, etc) down that dang trail. It's called the Trail of Broken Collarbones for a reason. Note: if you RIDE down the trail then you are nominated to light the bonfire (an honor not unlike the lighting of the Olympic torch). If you ride UP the trail then you are superhuman. It's only been done once. Ever.

The fun starts in about 21 hours and this house smells awesome!

Chris

"Oh the things you can find if you don’t stay behind."

     -- Dr Seuss

Bike Bonfire and Beer Exchange Fun Quiz for 2014

Back by popular demand, here is the Bike Bonfire and Beer Exchange Fun Quiz for 2014... 

1. At Mike's Tiki bar in East BurkeVermont, four dollars will buy you:

a) A warm beer
b) A cold beer and a warm shower
c) A cold beer and a space heater with an empty propane tank
d) A french Canadian cycling chick and a cold shower

2. "Ginger lips" is:

a) An organic lip balm made from hemp and ginger root oil
b) A taunt used to provoke red heads, as in "get back in your biscuit tin, ginger lips"
c) Someone who insists on ordering fish tacos even when barbecued pork shanks are on the menu
d) All of the above

3. The Dirty Penny Fan Club is:

a) Figment of our imaginations
b) Back in business after a brief but alarming 12 hour hiatus
c) A hall of mirrors that makes big things look small and possibly visa versa
d) All of the above

4. Which of the following has never happened at a Bike, Bonfire, Beer Exchange:

a) Burning of a scantily clad blowup doll
b) An Irishman getting a sunburn
c) Driving a lawn mower through the bonfire
d) Visitation by a homeless guy wearing spandex
e) An Irishman taking a swing at a town council member
f) Drinking beer from a toilet bowl
g) None of the above (i.e., they have all happened)

5. The "Brew Screw" is:

a) A novelty item made by mountain bikers in a garage in Pennsylvania
b) A form of fraternity hazing that has been mostly outlawed except in Kentucky
c) Espresso chased with fresh squeezed grapefruit juice
d) At the bottom of Marsh Creek Lake with a cheap Welgo left-side pedal attached to it.
e) Both a and d

6. During the 2014 Kingdom Trails trip, Andy Doble earned $80 cash by:

a) Playing Texas Hold'em in a barn outside of town
b) Playing slot machines at a dive bar just north of the US/Canadian border
c) Throwing a hissy-fit at the LBS when his fancy Niner frame cracked

7. During the 2014 Kingdom Trails trip, how did we learn that Chris' nickname is "Rug Rat." 

a) He was caught sneaking to the bathroom in his flannel RugRats cartoon pajamas
b) His Navy buddy Marc told us
c) He mumbled something about it while half asleep in the lounge chair by the wood stove
d) Someone saw it tatoo'd on his leg
e) None of the above (his real nickname is "Maverick") 

8. The 2014 Cinco de Mayo ride featured:

a) Hot dog tacos with cabbage and barbecue sauce
b) A teak coffee table and a 7' blowup cactus
c) Three donkeys and a guy playing guitar
d) Home made heirloom tomato salsa eaten off the bottom of a SIDI riding shoe
e) Bike riders riding by and smashing a pinata with their heads
f) A horrified trail runner splayed out on the ground

9. Steerer tubes should be cut:

a) By a professional
b) By someone who is not drinking beer
c) By a chopsaw
d) Once but only after measuring twice

10. Two DB's were DQ'd from the Brandywine race because they:

a) Were juicing
b) Wore flesh colored spandex
c) Stopped for unsanctioned hydration during the race
d) Couldn't follow instructions

11. The January 2014 "Tour duh" planning meeting at Victory resulted in:

a) A detailed plan for the event of the century
b) A bar tab of $147.58
c) Decision that Corinne will be our waitress for all future "Tour duh" planning meetings
d) A bunch of scribbles on the back of a paper napkin

Happy holidays, and don't forget to...

..."use it while you still have it"
     -- Gasp4Air

Pretty Hard Core

Pre-ride scene
at the bonfire site. 

The allure of this event is evident only if you fully embrace the adversity. Not surrender to it, but embrace it. Revel in it. More is better. Cold? No problem. Snow and mud? Good. Sleet and freezing rain? Excellent!

By that measure, the evening was a home run. The snow started around 5:00 and by 6:30 it was a near white-out. Awesome. These would have been perfect riding conditions an hour earlier, but now with 4-5" on the ground we knew it would be a challenge.

One of many stops to
check the "root."

Sure enough, twenty feet into the ride we knew we were in trouble. The tiny climb and turn onto the Struble railroad bed was impossible to negotiate. In fact the slightest turn risked immediate washout of the front wheel. This is gonna be tricky. Got to pay attention. Stop laughing. Focus or you are going to get hurt. Thankfully we had Rob breaking trail with his new fatty and those 4" monster tires. A half hour into it we found ourselves at the bottom of the Quarry climb with visions of warm Chili and a blazing bonfire dancing in our heads.

This is when Mike played the mountain biker shame card.

Looking up at the impossible Quarry climb, he said something like "what's with the defeatist attitude?" There would be no warm Chili and bonfire for us now. No. Now we would have to climb. Damn Riley. So we climbed a lot and we pushed a little and 15 minutes later we were at the top licking our wounds from a few nasty spills but looking forward to a mostly flat ride through open fields back toward home and the chili and the fire. Only those mostly flat open fields were covered by a nasty crust that made pedaling even harder. Sonofabitch. ALmost two hours later the ride ended with a treacherous high-pucker-factor descent through the neighborhood on an unplowed ice-slicked road. Be careful, you are one tiny twitch away from a broken wrist or concussion or worse.

Fine dining alfresco
with bonfire in the background

Back at camp the 8' high bonfire pyre was aflame and stoked by the gusty winds and as (the other) Mike said "shit burned, and burning shit fell over, and everything else turned to ice." But that process took a few hours during which we were treated to:

• Brats roasted over the fire (and doing weird things in the fire).
• A new fire jumper filling the void left by a recent retirement. Did he just do what I think he did??
• The competition for best beer presentation (see below)
• Hot chili, then warm chili, then cold chili. 
• Bourbon, Root, Snap, and assorted brews. 
• A homeless person in spandex. Who is this guy and why is he wrapped in a sheet of plastic?
• Day old donuts
• Freezing rain

2013 winner of
Best Beer Presentation

Congratulations to Mike for his beer tree which won the Best Beer Presentation of 2013 by a comfortable margin. Everyone was impressed by the attention to detail (stainless steel screws) and especially it's ability to sprout an endless stream of microbrews for the thirsty judges.

The crowd +1'd to seven (not counting 2 casualties who were unable to make it out of their driveways due to the snow storm but were there in spirit and missed by all) and then the group slowly dwindled until three hard cores decided to throw in the towel around 1:30am. We've done it again.

Oh and yes, the firepit was still smoldering the next day around 2:00pm, twelve hours after the 2013 winner went up in flames.

Chris


"I'm going to put my pants on now."
     -- Homeless Mexican mountain biker standing outside in freezing rain around midnight at 2013 Bike-Bonfire Beer-a-palooza.

Courage

Preparations

With just five riders for the 8:00 pm start we missed the carnival atmosphere that comes from a large more diverse group - the first time night rider, a light without a charge, or the inevitable mechanical breakdown that comes when some of the bikes have not have been ridden in some time. But still, we did have our moments. Like the wardrobe change which left Jim's pants dangling from a no-parking sign near the Lyndel crossing; and the frequent stops to share flasks of bourbon, root, and snap "courage" while imitating the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz.

Combustion

We were back to "camp" before 9:00pm where we lit the fire and settled in under a clear sky and brilliant full moon. Bonfires foster easy conversation and this one was no different, until it took an innocent but awkward turn.  A casual gesture triggered it, and before we knew it we were knee deep in a good old fashioned outing (as in "out of the closet"). Not the conventional LGBT closet - no - this was a very dark damp musky closet. We did out best to stuff the new knowledge back into the closet and to seal the door shut. Unfortunately the Saturday morning email suggests we were not entirely successful.

We were treated to a great selection of exotic microbrews, Nathan's hot dogs roasted over the open fire (on forks "made in a fork factory"), and more flasks of "courage" before calling it early Saturday morning. The bikes and backpacks were covered in frost lit by the still brilliant full moon. Really spectacular.

Best beer presentation went to Mike (the Irish one). His entry won sort of by default but what it lacked in debauchery in made up for with high marks for practicality and combustion.

Chris

"Courage"
     -- The Cowardly Lion at the top of The Bobsled Run


"There Goes Tokyo"
     -- Uttered during Friday night's whirly-bird reenactment

Fire and Ice (actually mud) for Tonight

Preparations for the 7th Annual Bike Bonfire and Beer Exchange are in full swing.

Weather for tonight is 29 degrees at ride time, dropping to a low of 27 degrees at midnight.  Balmy which also means muddy.

Nothing left to do but charge the lights, load up the beer, kiss the family good night. Oh and take the following Beer Bonfire and Beer Exchange fun quiz:

What is "Sheep Dip?"

1. Liquid formulation of insecticide and fungicide which shepherds use to protect sheep from parasites such as blow-flies, ticks and lice
2. Half filled bath of hot soapy water shared amongst friends, used to wash off the disco dirt post clubbing or boozing before everyone crashes out on your sofa and floor
3. Scotch whiskey enjoyed by mountain bikers around a campfire somewhere between Durango Colorado and Moab Utah

Who was featured in a full page spread in the June 2012 issue of Mountain Bike magazine?

1. Glenn Armstrong
2. Claus Van Traup
3. The D2M gang
4. Chiggers

Which of the following transportation accidents are associated with previous bike-beer-bonfire events?

1. Riding Miller's lawn mower into the bonfire
2. Riding Kirk's bicycle over the bonfire
3. Riding Cathy's beach cruiser through a rock garden
4. Riding Kaleigh's ATV over a flaming kerosene torch
5. All of the above

Andy has a new baby-blue bike seat because:

1. He's color blind
2. It's slightly more manly than the hot pink one he was riding before
3. It matches his baby-blue spandex shorts
4. It's the only color seat Rob had in the trunk of his car

The Overlook is popular on Friday evenings because:

1. It has a jacuzzi
2. It has great music
3. It has a beer tree
4. None of the above

The 2012 trip to Raystown will be remembered for:

1. $12 worth of firewood
2. Night time unicycle riding
3. 10 seatposts x 1"
4. The First Floor Queen
5. All of the above
6. None of the above (it won't be remembered)

Which of the following is NOT true about the "Green Lane Tickler?"

1. It is about 8" long
2. It is flexible
3. It tickles the inside of your thigh
4. You can only get them at turnpike rest stops

Please make a nomination for your favorite Bike Ride Beer Exchange acronym::

1. BEER (BEer Exchange Ride)
2. BONER (BONfire Exchange Ride)
3. BaRBIE (Beer Ride BIke Exchange)
4. REHAB (Ride ExcHAnge Bike)
5. ________________________ (write in nomination)

See you tonight!

Chris

"Keep riding, Nancy. It's just water and dirt." 

     -- Huck And Roll

A Knife at a Gunfight

Beer presentations were all functional
but only one burned

"I don't see what's so great about standing around, outside, at night, in the middle of December, drinking beer from a toilet." I could not dispute the technical aspects of her argument, but somehow the more sublime aspects of last night's bonfire were not resonating with my daughter...

The evening started with the customary ride. After climbing the new Quarry Bypass into the park and pausing to share a flask of Root, we dashed across the park to The Bobsled Run. Mindful that KO was on his wife's beach cruiser and not wanting any drama to delay the start of the bonfire we (thought we) bypassed the rock garden by the ruins. But it turns out our pack of 10 riders had bifurcated and of course KO's half detoured straight into the rock garden. Somehow the bike and rider survived and we regrouped at the top of The Bobsled Run for some more Root and the mad dash to the comfort of the beer and the bonfire. The Bobsled descent was punctuated with a lot of woo-hoo's, a little cursing, and a couple of busted spokes on MS's SFurly. Watching the lights of the last few riders snake down that trail was magical, one of those rare scenes that only occurs on night rides with large groups.

Knife at a gunfight? KO wife cruiser
 with kickstand and book rack

Random note: We started with 10 riders and ended with 11. That never happens. Generally if we start with 10 riders we are lucky to end with 8. Good mojo last night.

Back at the bonfire, the chili was bubblin', the beer was chillin', the best beer presentation entries were being scrutinized by the judges. Both entries scored high on functionality (seems to be a theme at these bonfires). The DBDC entry looked vaguely familiar, scored high for incorporation of Wet Wipes and imaginative use of vulcanized rubber accents. The Porcelain Goddess entry scored high for classic lines and it's "upper deck" potential. Stiff competition but the judges job was easy because in the end only one entry burned ("must burn to win" provision in contest rules). MM took the title in '11.

Planning for next year commenced during this morning's cleanup and yes, some changes are in store for '12. But for now we'll just celebrate the memories of '11, starting with this Bike Rider Bonfire and Beer Exchange Fun Quiz:


1. You know the best beer presentation contest at the annual Beer Bonfire and Beer Exchange has reached new lows when the judge's discussion centers around:

A) Gooners and Upper Decks
B) Nessies and Groovers
C) The smell of burning vulcanized rubber
D) All of the above

2. At the '11 Bike Ride, Bonfire, and Beer Exchange RV caused a stir by

A) QuestioningHermosa Tours' use of the Groover
B) Admitting that he had once "glassed" a guy who wasn't using a groover
C) Never walking farther that 15' from the bonfire to relieve himself
D) All of the above

3. This morning the neighborhood awoke to see MR's contest entry

A) On the roof of his house
B) In the back of his truck
C) Trailside overlooking the brandywine
D) Next to the firepit

We'll close this post with some wisdom from last night's ride:

Never Bring a Knife to a Gunfight...unless of course the gunfight is a mountain bike ride, and the knife is your wife's beach cruiser.

Happy Holidays,

Chris

Answers to The Questions

I can't wait to see what questions get answered at this month's Bike, Bonfire, and Beer exchange. Following are some burning questions that got answered last year :

1. MM's entry in the Best Beer Presentation contest was disqualified because:

a) Someone dropped a deuce in it while he wasn't looking
b) The material in the magazine rack wasn't "edgy" enough
c) It wasn't sacrificed to the mountain biking Gods
d) The TP was scratchy because of the stickerse) all of the above

2. Last year RV brought some contraband that had to be confiscated so we could relax around the bonfire. What did he bring?

a) A jar of home made "Mountain Dew"
b) A baggie full of Mauwie Wauwie
c) A baggie full of fireworks
d) iPod video "The Opening of Misty Beethoven"

3. You know for sure that Jenn'a older sibling really likes you if: 

a) She has a beer duct-taped to her hand
b) Her toes are pointed toward you
c) Her toes are pointed away from you
d) All of the above

4. You know it is cold at the annual Bike, Bonfire and Beer exchange when:

a) People start burning blowup dolls to keep warm
b) Beer cans start spontaneously exploding
c) None of the above
d) All of the above

Can't wait... 


"It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how."
     --Dr. Seuss

Disaster (Narrowly) Averted, Again

The bonfire was laid, most of the provisions were staged, and the trail to the firepit was lit by kerosene torches that KO had thoughtfully placed every 20' along the treacherous 25° downhill section. Four years worth of experience were paying off with a smooth running operation. Who would have thought that near disaster would strike before we even saddled up for the opening event?

Site of the Near Disaster

KO was shuttling some last minute supplies to the bonfire site. He was on a 4WD ATV pulling a toboggan loaded with firewood, propane, and kerosene. The downhill section was tricky, and the toboggan clipped one of the torches, dumping about a quart of burning kerosene into the dry underbrush. We fought the spreading fire valiantly, trying to stomp it out with our feet and then to smother it with the toboggan. Luckily, and to KO's credit, have had included a fire extinguisher in the load of combustibles and was able to extinguish the fire before it become a headline.

Kirk's Colorful Custom Light Setup

With disaster averted, we hooked up a couple of loaner lights and KO rigged his custom light setup. Eleven riders shoved off in the 25° temps for the obligatory loop down the Struble, up the Quarry Trail, and back down Blue Trail for the mad dash "home" to the comfort of the beer and bonfire. One rider defied physics by riding in shorts and two left-hand fingerless gloves. While we had no "mechanicals" we did have one "electrical" (a dead light) through a nasty section of railroad ties, which resulted in a front wheel twisting 90° and sending one rider flying after jamming him in the stomach with the bar end. That's basically a punch in the stomach, followed by a body slam onto the frozen ground, all in total darkness.

8' Bonfire

We completed the circuit and were greeted by DC on our return (he had a busy day). We ignited the fire (flames estimated at 8' high), commenced aggressive rehydration, began devouring the pot of piping hot chili that MR had lovingly prepared the night before, and then settled in around the bonfire.

I know a lot of people were there to see the much ballyhooed fire jumping contest, but it never got off the ground. It's always a challenge to find someone to kickoff that particular competition, and with AS out and MR retiring early, we were utterly lost.  But this is an industrious lot, and it did not take long to find a new mind-numbingly-stupid activity to fill the void. It had something to do with improvised fireworks, and it culminated in a glowing mortar fragment bouncing off JR's chest, leaving his eyes as big as saucers and a neat (and no doubt hard to explain to the wife) burn hole in his sweater. Luckily we closed that chapter before anyone got seriously disfigured.

MM Entry

MR Entry

SM Entry (burning)

Of course, in addition to the adolescent behavior traditionally exhibited at this event, we enjoy more cerebral pursuits. Like the best beer presentation. This year's entries were well executed and covered a lot of ground:

• Entry #1 - Jenna's ample cousin Delila (beer in hand thanks to KO and a roll of duct tape) was strong in the category of "anatomical curiosities." The cerebral element came to play when the disoriented group realized the only reliable way to find your way is to "check which way the feet are pointing."  Everyone agreed this was a profound and useful insight,
• Entry #2 - A festive comic-book themed beer rack was a welcome G-rated counter balance to entry #1. 
• Entry #3 - the combination porta-potty/beer cooler complete with cup holder, DBDC monogrammed toilet paper, magazine rack, baby-wipe dispenser, and mountain bike tire accent on the movable lid.  

If the competition were based on points alone, entry #3 would have won hands down, but alas the "must burn" requirement was not met by either of the last two entries, so the title was awarded, on a technicality, to Entry #1.

The remainder of the evening (and morning) were consumed primarily by bike porn (guys gushing over TH's long travel fork), KO's uselessly frozen elastomer fork, and the occasional exploding (frozen) beer. Temperature at this point had dipped to 15°. We reluctantly threw in the towel around 3:00am.

Thanks to everyone who braved the elements last night, and especially to MR for the most awesome chili, to MM, SM, and MR for their competitive and creative spirit, to KO for letting us trash his back yard, and to everyone else for riding bikes in this stupid cold weather, and making the event memorable.

Chris

"We all get it in the end"
     - unknown

Friday's Line Up

AccuWeather predicts a balmy 30 degrees at the 8:00 departure time, loaner lights are charging for Dougerty and Vermeil, the garage lights have been on pretty late at the McLaughlin residence, and we've got a good count for Friday's descent into the depths of debauchery Bike Bonfire and Beer Exchange. With any luck we will rival last year's turnout of 17 riders...and let me tell you, the sight of all those headlamps bobbing and weaving through woods at night is truly a sight to behold. But then again the sight of an incinerating plastic blowup doll is pretty impressive as well...

Anyway I have heard encouraging news from SF, SM, KO, TP, MR, RV (and son), MY, DM, MM, RI (and others), CD, and DC (hopeful but a lot going on with move).

Others have been kind of quiet, either planning a sneak attack or hoping to fly under the RADAR (on the couch). I would be remiss if I didn't call out a few notables: AS, JA, AD, BG, MH, and Jenna.

Everyone feel free to turn the screws on the notables, I shouldn't have to do all the dirty work.

That's all for now. 

Chris

2010 Bike Bonfire and Beer Exchange Fun Quiz

Following is the 2010 Bike Bonfire and Beer Exchange Fun Quiz. All characters, companies, products and events described in this fun quiz are fictitious, and no similarity with any real persons or entities, living or deceased, is intended or should be inferred.


AS's wife knows that if AS goes to the bonfire that their dental deductible will be paid before the end of December.

• True
• False

DC took the fire jumping contest to new heights when he attempted to jump the bonfire:

1. With two feet
2. With a bicycle
3. With a garden tractor
4. While soaked in kerosene

In the last two bonfires MY has:.

1. Laughed and Cried
2. Laughed and Danced
3. Flown and Danced
4. All of the above

Last year MH impersonated Dr. Henry Kissinger so that he could:

1. Bring world peace
2. Be first in line for hot chili
3. Throw Jenna into the fire
4. None of the above

At the 2007 bonfire MR left the party early (and mad) and was about to walk into his house when he decided to go back to the bonfire to take a swing at one of the other riders.

• True
• False

The ladies panties that CD gave to SM as a gag gift were actually from :

1. CD's wife 
2. SM's sister 
3. Both CD's wife and SM's sister 
4. The Cougar at Chelsey's

The day after the 2008 bonfire when MR could not find his Best Beer Presentation contest entry, he accused MO7S of destroying the family heirloom. He was upset because of the rule that all entries must burn to be eligible. Where was the family heirloom?

1. In the fire pit (ashes)
2. Somewhere east of Downingtown in the Brandywine Creek
3. Safely stashed in his truck parked in his driveway
4. None of the above

The "MRDBS" sign nailed to a tree on the Bonus Loop stands for:

1. MR's Deep Brain Stimulation
2. MR's Drunken Bike Shop
3. MR's Drunken Brain Stimulation
4. None of the above

One of our riders MM was nicknamed "DB4."  In his case "DB" stands for

1. Diamond Back
2. Douche Bag
3. Double Black-diamond
4. Diarrhea Bubble

TP's commitment to mountain biking is suspect because:

1. His other bike is a motorcycle
2. His front fork is a lefty
3. All of the above
4. None of the above

What was The Cougar's opening line at Chelsea's?

1. "You guys from around here?"
2. "Is that a spanner wrench in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
3. "I'm no spring chicken, but I am a cougar!  Grrrrrrr!"
4. "I need to get me some Irish meat and potatoes!"

DM purchased a bike off eBay "because it looked cool." Too bad for him because this bike has an unfortunate tendency to:

1. Debit his PayPal account
2. Fold in half when traversing uneven ground
3. None of the above
4. All of the above

Match the rider with the riding outfit or accessory that they DID wear on at least one ride:

• Riders
1. RV
2. DM
3. JA
4. DC
5. BG
• Outfit/accessory: 
1. Flesh-tone leotards
2. Bootyliscious booties with pink trim
3. Skate-boarder helmet
4. Wool sport coat
5. Green polka-dot union suit

SF is one of the few with a trail named after him.  This trail is called:

1. SF's demise
2. The Bonus Loop
3. SF's mud pit
4. Sidewinder

KO is considered an anti-social mountain biker because he:

1. Brings rotten wood to the bonfire
2. Rides while listening to an iPod
3. Won't chew tobacco (except once in the BVIs)
4. All of the above

After someone crashes RI has been known to say:

1. "Pain is temporary, glory is forever"
2. "Chicks dig the dirty ones"
3. ”I’d rather have a brother that was gay than a cousin that was a roadie"
4. 1 and 2

Please click the comment link at the bottom of this post to record your answers. The winner will get a free ride with SM to the windowless Video-X-Press in Malvern to shop for party favors.